I'm Alive

Writer’s Block Revisited

So I have not written anything and posted it on my blog in months, attributing it to “writer’s block.”  If you look up the term in Merriam Webster’s website, it says writer’s block is “a psychological inhibition preventing a writer from proceeding with a piece;” this managed to provoke me into deep reflection.  Am I prevented from writing by a psychological inhibition?  Somehow that does not feel right.  So what is it then?  Lack of time, laziness, work stress, desire to do other things instead, lack of motivation…  It is too easy to pick one “excuse” and use it to not write.  Do I lack ideas?  Sometimes, but I still come up with a gem or two every week, so I have the ideas.  They often come to me while running or walking outside and then escape me when I get back to a pen and paper.  Still an excuse – I can always write an electronic note on my phone.

So why don’t I write?  My writing days, well at least not work or school related, started rather late in my lifetime, about 9 years ago.  I wrote to process feelings, of which I had many back in the day.  I wrote for recreational reasons.  I wrote to share with friends that appreciated my pieces.  I wrote in search for meaning.  Later, I wrote to express opinions and worked up the courage to post my pieces in social media and blogs.  Many pieces I posted on my Facebook page to help others heal, find insight, and to discover all the amazing things we have on our planet and in our lives, developing quite a readership back in the day.  However, when Facebook went public, they started to view these pages as revenue sources and cut back sharply the number of page followers that would see a given piece, which was discouraging.  I also tried to see if publishing firms would take one of my pieces, but no success.  As I have a day job and other demands on my life, the writing tapered.  Well, not completely as I continued to journal in my electronic diary.

A week ago, I went to my favorite journaling location and opened my laptop.  Journaled a bit.  Had a major revelation.  I was most motivated to write when I wrote from the heart.  When I was centered in the heart, I was able to stream poetry and pretty much anything I set out to write.  I was looking over my journal writings over the last two-plus years and saw that most of the time I was writing from my ego, not the heart.  Ego is the opposite of the heart.  Ego stands in the way of just about every creative ability.  Ego stifles relationships.  Ego stops growth.  Ego deludes us into thinking we are in control when we are not.  Ego deludes us into thinking everything is fine when it is not.  Not surprisingly, in 2017, I posted on my blog a grand total of two, yes, two articles.  Compare that to having three original posts in July 2018, when I was processing a major loss.

In my last post, which was six months ago, it was clear I was writing from the heart.  I was processing the feeling of being blocked, uncertain on which direction to go, but not being able to stay in place.  I wrote in that piece “…Therefore, the most important thing for me right now is to find those blockages and remove them…  Awareness is the key.  More importantly is the realization that The Universe has my back, as well as how important it is to stay awake to the messages.    We all have the power to remove the things that make us feel stuck in place with no clear direction.”  I know intuitively that I will remove writer’s block by writing from the heart and not the ego.  This removes the first barrier; then others I have not already discovered will come into awareness.  Writing may not work for everyone, but we all have activities, exercises, or creative outlets that will help discover these barriers.  Knocking down the walls ultimately leads to improvement in every aspect of our lives.

Diary of a Runner: Finding the Path II

Eleven trail miles Sunday – well on my way to getting to the 13.1 miles required for a half-marathon next week.  The nice thing about running on trails is the shade of the forest – today was a cloudless day and the sun blazed its warmth onto the landscape.  Yet I like it to be cool when I run, and hot sun does not lead to a comfortable time, especially with nearly two hours of running.  Not only does the forest provide shade but it also provides fragrances to delight the senses.  Also, a stretch of the trail runs along the river, and the shimmering reflection of the blue sky off the river is very relaxing.  Today, I had a dear jump over the trail not 5 feet in front of me, which was startling, but it was a delight to see the majestic creature gallop into the brush.  Otherwise, it was a routine run – plenty of other people in the park: hikers, mountain bikers, dog walkers, and other runners.  I was alone today, not with my chatty daughter, who by the way slows down to keep up with her old man, so I had time to meditate and reflect.

I recently purchased a tarot deck to provide another conduit to The Universe and her insight.  Despite being a scientist, I have always had a strong spiritual awareness and a yearning for understanding more deeply the mysteries that surround us.  What has been shocking to me has been the accuracy of the messages in the cards, one of the things I reflected on quite some time as I logged the miles.  One theme that has popped up frequently is the concept of being stuck, blocked, uncertain as to what direction to go in, but being encouraged not to stay in place.  This theme has confused me as it seemed to be more of a reflection of periods of my past, when that was indeed true.  Because of the persistence of the message, I can’t ignore it.

I look at my wheel of life and my spiritual journey.  I can see relationships where a theme of being blocked is certainly the truth.  I don’t believe I am blocked vocationally; however the persistence of the theme calls everything into question.  I may even be blocked spiritually.  I have been studying The Insights brought to light by the series of James Redfield books.  There, I am stuck in the Seventh Insight, the stage where we are to hone our intuition to read the messages and signs that the Universe sends to us in order to direct us on our journeys and execute our life purposes.  I have been stuck in The Seventh for a few years now.  It now seems that the Tarot Deck crossed my path to wake me up to this Insight and to guide me back to the path.  As a runner can appreciate, it is far easier to run on the trail than in the bramble and brush of the forest, where fallen trees and dense thickets make running nearly impossible.

Therefore, the most important thing for me right now is to find those blockages and remove them.  This is the message of the cards and of my long trail run today.  Awareness is the key.  More importantly is the realization that The Universe has my back, as well as how important it is to stay awake to the messages.    We all have the power to remove the things that make us feel stuck in place with no clear direction.  So, still the mind, stay awake to the messages, and journey on without fear.

~G                                                                                                                                                                                       

Diary of a Runner: Pondering the Journey

On long solo runs, I often meditate, as running is a means of relaxation for me.  Now when you meditate, you are supposed to let the thoughts pass through you as an observer; then go back and focus on the peaceful state.  I use my breath to stay centered while I run-meditate.  However, I love trail running and on the trail, it is a bit more difficult to hold that state.  There are obstacles like roots and rocks to dodge – I have learned the hard way that when I’m not paying attention, next thing I know I am picking myself up off the ground, brushing off the dirt, and nursing my scraped knees.  There are also hikers, runners, and mountain bikers to keep an eye on as well as the poison ivy on both sides of the trail.  Not exactly, the ideal place to meditate for sure, therefore the thoughts stream relentlessly.

I have suffered much loss over the past year: the ending of a long-term relationship that ended the most amazing experience of my life, the death of a close relative, incapacitating sickness of another close relative, and close friends moving out of the country.  Many endings, much grieving.  I sometimes wonder if I run so many miles per week to run away from it all.  Other times I speculate that I run to ponder the meaning of it all.  Yet, could it be that I am running toward a fresh, new beginning?

All runs have a start, a middle, and a finish.  The anticipation of what new experiences I will enjoy as I run in my favorite settings.  The run itself.  The ending, enjoying the self-satisfaction of completing my goal.  In a race, I measure my performance against my pre-race goals – joy at a personal record, the disappointment of falling short.  Yet there will be another run, another race, another journey, a new beginning.  Loss is an ending that sets us up for renewal, which likely will be be more amazing than before the losses.  New people to meet, new friends to make, new experiences to behold, new places to travel to, new trails to run, and new opportunities for personal bests.

This is why I run.  It is representative of my life journey and a reminder to stay grounded and focus on the present moment.  Starting and finish lines are but milestones on the journey.  An amazing journey it has been…and will continue to be.  So journey on.

~G

Self-forgiveness

Diary of a Runner, July 18, 2018

Sometimes I meditate on a long run when I am running by myself.  Last evening I tried; however the internal voices demanded attention and they were not easy on me.  After all, how can I be easy on myself when I did the best I thought I could, yet it was pathetic…and my actions and behaviors led to deep pain, suffering, and scars that will last for years if not a lifetime?  Being a “Poor Me” by nature, it is so easy to fall into the trap of beating myself to a pulp, checking out of life, and wanting to avoid human contact.  However, what will that accomplish? The Universe did not put me here to hurt others; nor to use “Poor Me” as an excuse to avoid my life journey.

An Aboriginal proverb that is especially relevant: “We are all visitors to this place.  We are just passing through.  Our purpose here is to observe, to learn, to grow, to love, and then we return home.”  I will embrace both of these quotes as I close my eyes tonight.  And tomorrow is a new day.  I did the best I could yesterday.  I did the best I could today.  I shall do better tomorrow.  This is growth.  This is Purpose.  This is being alive.

~G

Today Starts a New Journey

Today is a new day, with a new journey in front of me.  Yesterday, I was fighting the good fight; then all of a sudden, my eyes slowly opened with my head and heart aching, my eyes full of tears, lying flat on the floor and wondering what hit me.  At that point, despite being a scientific expert in my field, I realized that I knew nothing…absolutely nothing at all, especially about being an empathetic human being…  The actions I chose, the words I wrote and spoke just amplified the pain and suffering despite my best intentions.  The pain I feel due to the pain I have caused others is amplified in my heart to a disabling level.  I can’t medicate it away and I can’t run from it.  What I shall do, though, is recalibrate and learn.  I will learn to celebrate my humanness and address my brokenness.  Today the process has started.  It will be a very long journey.

At the very beginning of my university education, I saw a mathematical equation: 1 >> 0.  Taking that first step, as hard as it is, is the most critical decision.  Every step afterwards becomes much easier.  I share my words with the intention that those who face the same decision to take that first step find the courage and inspiration to do so.

~G 

You Will Grieve Forever

The reality is that you will grieve forever.  You will  not 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it.  You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered.  You will be whole again, but you will never be the same.  Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.  ~Elisabeth Kuebler-Ross