Always fall in with what you're asked to accept

Diary of a Runner: The Race…and the Journey

Last weekend, I ran a half-marathon race, a big event where there were well over 2000 runners.  I had just run a half-marathon two weeks before that and was coming off my fastest time to that point.  I knew my training and preparation had me more than ready for the second race; however, you never know what is in store for you race day – so many things are variable, for instance the weather, how many runners are on the course, would my allergies affect my breathing.  So, I’ve taken the attitude to just go out, run, not worry about the time, bask in nature, and enjoy the race.  This attitude had already delivered two personal bests, so it was an effective approach.  When I reached mile marker one and given that I was feeling strong, I visualized myself crossing the finish line at a personal record time.  After that, I took in the beautiful scenery, high-fived some of the children lining the course and ran my race.  This all was energizing, as was the fact that as each mile went by, I was below my target mile split time.  I finished the race with my fastest time ever, three personal records in three consecutive races.

So, what is different between a race and a life journey?  A race has a defined course, a start, mile markers, check points, and a finish line.  It is almost impossible to stray off course, especially with the race marshals directing traffic.  However, in life, it is easy to wander off course, get stuck in place, or even get turned around in the wrong direction.  This is a paradox we all live with as the major difference between a race and a life journey is that there is no defined course.  The journey starts when we are born; it ends when we die.  In between, we have free will to follow whatever direction we want; there is no clear roadmap.  However, life does have mile markers, check points, and race marshals.  Family members, friends, mentors, and teachers keep us on course through their teaching, through their counsel, as a sounding board, and to give us reality checks.  The Universe sends us signs and clues to keep us on course as well as to help us identify and achieve our Life Purposes.  Our dreams also help keep us on course, as do our intuitions and thoughts.  Although each of our life journeys are rarely clear cut, the mile markers and checkpoints are there.  All it takes is to look for the signs, hear the messages, act on intuition, and follow our hearts.

I’m finished racing for the year, but there is next year to look forward to.  I run not only to train for races, but to meditate, be at one with nature, spend quality time with my daughter and friends, and revitalize the soul.  Running not only helps me stay in shape, it also helps me stay on course.  Not everyone is a runner, but everyone has a life journey.  So follow the signs fearlessly and journey onward.

Diary of a Runner - Always Forward

Today I headed to the park like I do every weekend and set out on a seven mile run.  The trail head where I enter the park is behind my daughter’s school and near the track where she used to run in High School.  It turns out today was the local invitational cross-country meet that used to be her first big race of the year.  I fondly remember her running in the race, the cheering, and the beautiful sunny days with a touch of fall in the air.  She set a personal best time three of the four years she ran here, so she was elated when she finished.  Her last race here was four years ago and she is now in her last year of college.  The cross-country course uses the same trail head to enter the park that I use and I had to leap caution tape to access the park.  It was raining gently today and as I ran through the forest, the smells of wet earth, the leaves, and the pines were amplified and delighted the senses, even if I were getting a bit wet.

The nostalgic feeling of being in the park at the same time as the racers, although on different trails sent me into the past.  I thought about the happy times, some deliriously happy; the sad times, regret and remorse over actions that hurt other people, the lessons I learned, the experience I have gained, and the growth I have experienced.  I often thought of turning back the clock to mend the hurt I caused and to re-experience the amazing moments I experienced.  However, time only goes one direction.  Time travel is not possible except in fiction and in the movies.  The river I run along only flows in one direction.  Although it is possible to run backwards, it is far easier to run forward, especially since I run on some hard trails and would likely run into a tree, trip on a root, or run straight into the water, which there is a lot of near the trails.  Therefore, I run forward on the route I choose to run, entering and ending at the same trail head.  So it is also true with our life journeys – they move forward, only forward.  They may take pause for a period of time, but they never move backwards into the past.

As I finished my run, the home cross-country team was removing the ribbons from the race course and most of the crowd had dispersed, along with the energy of a major athletic event.  However, I had my own energy from completing the run, not getting too wet despite the mist, basking in nature, and feeling the endorphins flowing in my blood.  I realize that where I am today is where I am supposed to be and experiencing the full rainbow of emotions is “life.”  Just life.  The most important things to take from the past is the good times, the lessons, and the events that have made me a better person.  The current lessons are simple but effective: live in the present not in the past.  Plan for the future, but don’t waste energy in worrying about the future.  Live the three L’s in the moment: Live, Learn, and Love.  And trust the Universe.

Letting Go

What do you do when something happens, especially something self-induced, that badly shakes you up and hurts another?  In these situations it is always best to have a good friend or family member to confide in.  However, what happens if you don’t have someone to confide in?  If the event is too sensitive or too embarrassing to share?  This is where I am at today, and I face the question of how to find acceptance, closure, and peace when there is no one to talk to about it?  Letting the emotions run through should work, but they ignite other emotions, often stronger.  Escaping the topic or the resulting emotions do not work and only creates more problems. The only thing I can think of to do is “Let go and Let God,” one of the more powerful thoughts that are taught by many of the communal addiction support groups.  What if it is hard to let go?  If the situation can be resolved with an action, immediately take that action.  If the situation can’t be resolved with an action, give it to The Universe and let Her carry the burden.  Worry accomplishes nothing.  Magic thinking accomplishes nothing.  The energy drain is overwhelming if stuck in this spot.  Let go…and use the energy for much more productive activities.  Success in another area will help take the sting out of the disappointment.

Break a heart?  Help to heal two

Leave a mess?  Clean it up better than before

Lose a friend?  Make two new friends

Hurt someone?  Help two others get over their pain

And let go…

Diary of a Runner – Meditation and Letting Go

Today I set out on a seven mile run this morning in our beautiful city park.  Most of the trail I run is on bodies of water – a mill pond, a river, a creek, and a canal.  Today I was alone, not with my chatty daughter, so I enjoyed the scintillations of the water in a very gentle breeze, which stopped at times leading to a mirroring of the landscape.  In the creek, a blue heron was fishing quietly, not something I see every day.  As today was Independence Day, the park was crowded with runners, walkers, people walking dogs, and mountain bikers. Still, I run on some remote trails and can meditate thanks to rhythmic breathing and the cadence of my stride on the trail.

In meditation, you are supposed to let thoughts flow through your mind – in, then out.  I am still practicing that.  Today, the theme that kept on coming into my mind is “letting go.” It seems like such a simple concept. If something negative happens in my life, after processing it the best thing is to accept the lesson learned and to let it go.  However, the pain lingers.  The “what ifs” stream through my head.  This is especially difficult in broken relationships and the finality of death; it is easy to bargain myself into an endless cycle.  The Buddhists practice “letting go” as part of their spiritual journey and to avoid attachment.  When you think of it, over-attachment to anything is bad and can often lead to addiction and result in unhappiness and sickness.

Letting go is the healthiest thing we can do for ourselves.  Letting go allows us to focus on what we currently have in our lives. Letting go allows us to realize our mortality and lets us live our lives as precious gifts.  Every morning I wake up alive, I have a new gift to enjoy and pay forward to those around me.  In the act of meditation, letting go means letting the thoughts, the negative chatter that happens in our heads, the flashbacks leave their message and pass out of our minds, leaving serenity and peace behind.  Practice letting go – and let the pain be replaced by serenity and peace.  

Moonlit Beach

We head down to the oceanside

Reach the calming breaking waves just before sunset

Turning we watch the sun dip behind the horizon

Arm in arm we watch the energizing display

Warm orange rays disappear beyond the horizon

Replaced by a mesmerizing pastel display

Twilight fades the colors as we walk along the shore

Holding hands along the relaxing breaking waves

Just as the color fades the moon peeks over the water

Captivating the eye, freezing us in place

Soft orange color moonlight replaces the darkening sky

As amazing as the beautiful sunset

We dance to the ethereal Moonlight Sonata

Sensual experience as the full moon rises higher

Eyes locked as our bodies squeeze into each other

Passionate kisses, immersing in each other

While quiet ocean sounds fuel the ecstasy

Two souls in union with each other and The Universe

Awaken suddenly from the amazing dream

Finding myself alone, I try to climb back into the dream

Unfortunately the rising sun has other plans for me

As I get myself ready for another day

I know in my heart she is waiting for me if I can just find her

I know I will find her; I feel her waiting for me

GMB

I'm Alive

Writer’s Block Revisited

So I have not written anything and posted it on my blog in months, attributing it to “writer’s block.”  If you look up the term in Merriam Webster’s website, it says writer’s block is “a psychological inhibition preventing a writer from proceeding with a piece;” this managed to provoke me into deep reflection.  Am I prevented from writing by a psychological inhibition?  Somehow that does not feel right.  So what is it then?  Lack of time, laziness, work stress, desire to do other things instead, lack of motivation…  It is too easy to pick one “excuse” and use it to not write.  Do I lack ideas?  Sometimes, but I still come up with a gem or two every week, so I have the ideas.  They often come to me while running or walking outside and then escape me when I get back to a pen and paper.  Still an excuse – I can always write an electronic note on my phone.

So why don’t I write?  My writing days, well at least not work or school related, started rather late in my lifetime, about 9 years ago.  I wrote to process feelings, of which I had many back in the day.  I wrote for recreational reasons.  I wrote to share with friends that appreciated my pieces.  I wrote in search for meaning.  Later, I wrote to express opinions and worked up the courage to post my pieces in social media and blogs.  Many pieces I posted on my Facebook page to help others heal, find insight, and to discover all the amazing things we have on our planet and in our lives, developing quite a readership back in the day.  However, when Facebook went public, they started to view these pages as revenue sources and cut back sharply the number of page followers that would see a given piece, which was discouraging.  I also tried to see if publishing firms would take one of my pieces, but no success.  As I have a day job and other demands on my life, the writing tapered.  Well, not completely as I continued to journal in my electronic diary.

A week ago, I went to my favorite journaling location and opened my laptop.  Journaled a bit.  Had a major revelation.  I was most motivated to write when I wrote from the heart.  When I was centered in the heart, I was able to stream poetry and pretty much anything I set out to write.  I was looking over my journal writings over the last two-plus years and saw that most of the time I was writing from my ego, not the heart.  Ego is the opposite of the heart.  Ego stands in the way of just about every creative ability.  Ego stifles relationships.  Ego stops growth.  Ego deludes us into thinking we are in control when we are not.  Ego deludes us into thinking everything is fine when it is not.  Not surprisingly, in 2017, I posted on my blog a grand total of two, yes, two articles.  Compare that to having three original posts in July 2018, when I was processing a major loss.

In my last post, which was six months ago, it was clear I was writing from the heart.  I was processing the feeling of being blocked, uncertain on which direction to go, but not being able to stay in place.  I wrote in that piece “…Therefore, the most important thing for me right now is to find those blockages and remove them…  Awareness is the key.  More importantly is the realization that The Universe has my back, as well as how important it is to stay awake to the messages.    We all have the power to remove the things that make us feel stuck in place with no clear direction.”  I know intuitively that I will remove writer’s block by writing from the heart and not the ego.  This removes the first barrier; then others I have not already discovered will come into awareness.  Writing may not work for everyone, but we all have activities, exercises, or creative outlets that will help discover these barriers.  Knocking down the walls ultimately leads to improvement in every aspect of our lives.

Diary of a Runner: Finding the Path II

Eleven trail miles Sunday – well on my way to getting to the 13.1 miles required for a half-marathon next week.  The nice thing about running on trails is the shade of the forest – today was a cloudless day and the sun blazed its warmth onto the landscape.  Yet I like it to be cool when I run, and hot sun does not lead to a comfortable time, especially with nearly two hours of running.  Not only does the forest provide shade but it also provides fragrances to delight the senses.  Also, a stretch of the trail runs along the river, and the shimmering reflection of the blue sky off the river is very relaxing.  Today, I had a dear jump over the trail not 5 feet in front of me, which was startling, but it was a delight to see the majestic creature gallop into the brush.  Otherwise, it was a routine run – plenty of other people in the park: hikers, mountain bikers, dog walkers, and other runners.  I was alone today, not with my chatty daughter, who by the way slows down to keep up with her old man, so I had time to meditate and reflect.

I recently purchased a tarot deck to provide another conduit to The Universe and her insight.  Despite being a scientist, I have always had a strong spiritual awareness and a yearning for understanding more deeply the mysteries that surround us.  What has been shocking to me has been the accuracy of the messages in the cards, one of the things I reflected on quite some time as I logged the miles.  One theme that has popped up frequently is the concept of being stuck, blocked, uncertain as to what direction to go in, but being encouraged not to stay in place.  This theme has confused me as it seemed to be more of a reflection of periods of my past, when that was indeed true.  Because of the persistence of the message, I can’t ignore it.

I look at my wheel of life and my spiritual journey.  I can see relationships where a theme of being blocked is certainly the truth.  I don’t believe I am blocked vocationally; however the persistence of the theme calls everything into question.  I may even be blocked spiritually.  I have been studying The Insights brought to light by the series of James Redfield books.  There, I am stuck in the Seventh Insight, the stage where we are to hone our intuition to read the messages and signs that the Universe sends to us in order to direct us on our journeys and execute our life purposes.  I have been stuck in The Seventh for a few years now.  It now seems that the Tarot Deck crossed my path to wake me up to this Insight and to guide me back to the path.  As a runner can appreciate, it is far easier to run on the trail than in the bramble and brush of the forest, where fallen trees and dense thickets make running nearly impossible.

Therefore, the most important thing for me right now is to find those blockages and remove them.  This is the message of the cards and of my long trail run today.  Awareness is the key.  More importantly is the realization that The Universe has my back, as well as how important it is to stay awake to the messages.    We all have the power to remove the things that make us feel stuck in place with no clear direction.  So, still the mind, stay awake to the messages, and journey on without fear.

~G                                                                                                                                                                                       

Diary of a Runner: Pondering the Journey

On long solo runs, I often meditate, as running is a means of relaxation for me.  Now when you meditate, you are supposed to let the thoughts pass through you as an observer; then go back and focus on the peaceful state.  I use my breath to stay centered while I run-meditate.  However, I love trail running and on the trail, it is a bit more difficult to hold that state.  There are obstacles like roots and rocks to dodge – I have learned the hard way that when I’m not paying attention, next thing I know I am picking myself up off the ground, brushing off the dirt, and nursing my scraped knees.  There are also hikers, runners, and mountain bikers to keep an eye on as well as the poison ivy on both sides of the trail.  Not exactly, the ideal place to meditate for sure, therefore the thoughts stream relentlessly.

I have suffered much loss over the past year: the ending of a long-term relationship that ended the most amazing experience of my life, the death of a close relative, incapacitating sickness of another close relative, and close friends moving out of the country.  Many endings, much grieving.  I sometimes wonder if I run so many miles per week to run away from it all.  Other times I speculate that I run to ponder the meaning of it all.  Yet, could it be that I am running toward a fresh, new beginning?

All runs have a start, a middle, and a finish.  The anticipation of what new experiences I will enjoy as I run in my favorite settings.  The run itself.  The ending, enjoying the self-satisfaction of completing my goal.  In a race, I measure my performance against my pre-race goals – joy at a personal record, the disappointment of falling short.  Yet there will be another run, another race, another journey, a new beginning.  Loss is an ending that sets us up for renewal, which likely will be be more amazing than before the losses.  New people to meet, new friends to make, new experiences to behold, new places to travel to, new trails to run, and new opportunities for personal bests.

This is why I run.  It is representative of my life journey and a reminder to stay grounded and focus on the present moment.  Starting and finish lines are but milestones on the journey.  An amazing journey it has been…and will continue to be.  So journey on.

~G

Self-forgiveness

Diary of a Runner, July 18, 2018

Sometimes I meditate on a long run when I am running by myself.  Last evening I tried; however the internal voices demanded attention and they were not easy on me.  After all, how can I be easy on myself when I did the best I thought I could, yet it was pathetic…and my actions and behaviors led to deep pain, suffering, and scars that will last for years if not a lifetime?  Being a “Poor Me” by nature, it is so easy to fall into the trap of beating myself to a pulp, checking out of life, and wanting to avoid human contact.  However, what will that accomplish? The Universe did not put me here to hurt others; nor to use “Poor Me” as an excuse to avoid my life journey.

An Aboriginal proverb that is especially relevant: “We are all visitors to this place.  We are just passing through.  Our purpose here is to observe, to learn, to grow, to love, and then we return home.”  I will embrace both of these quotes as I close my eyes tonight.  And tomorrow is a new day.  I did the best I could yesterday.  I did the best I could today.  I shall do better tomorrow.  This is growth.  This is Purpose.  This is being alive.

~G

Today Starts a New Journey

Today is a new day, with a new journey in front of me.  Yesterday, I was fighting the good fight; then all of a sudden, my eyes slowly opened with my head and heart aching, my eyes full of tears, lying flat on the floor and wondering what hit me.  At that point, despite being a scientific expert in my field, I realized that I knew nothing…absolutely nothing at all, especially about being an empathetic human being…  The actions I chose, the words I wrote and spoke just amplified the pain and suffering despite my best intentions.  The pain I feel due to the pain I have caused others is amplified in my heart to a disabling level.  I can’t medicate it away and I can’t run from it.  What I shall do, though, is recalibrate and learn.  I will learn to celebrate my humanness and address my brokenness.  Today the process has started.  It will be a very long journey.

At the very beginning of my university education, I saw a mathematical equation: 1 >> 0.  Taking that first step, as hard as it is, is the most critical decision.  Every step afterwards becomes much easier.  I share my words with the intention that those who face the same decision to take that first step find the courage and inspiration to do so.

~G 

You Will Grieve Forever

The reality is that you will grieve forever.  You will  not 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it.  You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered.  You will be whole again, but you will never be the same.  Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.  ~Elisabeth Kuebler-Ross

Are Our Children in a Better Place?

I was a child in the late 60’s – early 70’s.  Although I was too young and innocent at the time to realize it, the world was a dangerous place.  The U.S. was at war, actively in Vietnam and passively with the USSR.  Due to the cold war, we had bomb drills in the schools.  We always seemed one step from nuclear war and doomsday for the human race.  President Nixon was fighting scandal which led to his resignation just short of his potential impeachment.  The nation struggled with equal rights for women and minorities.  The air and water in our country was polluted – I remember driving near New York City and not being able to see the skyline as it was obscured by yellow smog.  The economy was struggling and my father was worried about being laid off.  A major turning point occurred when Ronald Regan was elected president in 1980 and through a bipartisan coalition succeeded in resurrecting the economy, ending the Cold War, and leaving a safer world for succeeding generations.  In the meanwhile, under him and the next five presidents, we cleaned up our air and waters and made strides in treating all citizens as equals, not just white males.  We did not shut down our boarders to refugees.

Today in less than three months, we have all but reversed 40 years of progress.  The world has become a more dangerous place, with ISIS and other extremist groups further empowered by presidential edicts to shut down our boarders to nine largely Muslims countries.  Russia seeks to reclaim former prestige and power and has openly displayed its aggression.  In fact, there are allegations that Russia hacked our election to put our current president in power.  The EPA is in the process of being dismantled, giving polluters free reign in destroying our environment.  Any progress made in global warming is being quickly unwound through complete disdain of the scientific community that studies the climate.  Women are again second class citizens, openly treated as sex objects and soon to be denied the right to critical care unique to the health of women.  Bigotry and bullying has been openly embraced by the new president and his followers are acting accordingly.  Worst of all, anger is increasing in the American people, whatever their political leanings are, and healing dialogue is becoming more and more difficult.

I would like to challenge everyone in this country, especially the 46% that voted for our current president: are we safer today than we were six months ago?  Is Humanity closer to fulfillment or closer to extinction?  Is our society more open and inclusive?  Is our country truly greater than it was?

Most importantly, are our children in a better place?  Or have we returned to the world that existed when I was a child?

Let's move forward, not backward

Rather than build walls, let's build bridges

Rather than call the unemployed lazy, let's train them so they can function in the new age of automated manufacturing

Rather than make women sex symbols and servants, let's empower them and treat them as equals

Rather than abandon our poor children, let's educate them

Rather than build more prisons, let's build more schools and community centers

Rather than subject minorities to prejudice, let's treat them as equals

Let's move our society forward, not backward -the future of humanity depends on us and what we do today,more than ever.

Diary of a runner, December 30, 2016

2.5 miles with my daughter, partially on ice this morning due to a storm last night.  Lots of good, energizing conversation.  Then 5 miles near the park – no trail running today due to snow/ice and may not see the trails again until March.  However, the sun was blazing, the air was crisp and cool, and the energy was flowing.  Today I’m back to “not a care in the world” and filled with energy.  And more importantly, ready to work on my “fears list.”  Those fears that are not valid…dismiss.  Those that are?  If I can mitigate them through my own action, put those actions on my “to do” list and do them.  If I can’t?  Rather than worry about them and let my energy be sapped, hand them over to the Universe and let her carry them for me.  This is my resolution heading into 2017.

49.5 miles in 7 days.  We runners run for many reasons.  Endorphins…. wisdom… meditation…. socialization when with other runners… escape… energy… sheer pleasure… just because we can and won’t be able to forever… yet running can make me feel immortal at times.  And you don’t have to be a runner.  Any active person: walker, hiker, cyclist, swimmer, <fill in the blank> can go there.  It is our way to get in touch with nature and the Universe.

Diary of a runner, December 27, 2016

Seven miler today in shorts as it was over 50 degrees.  There was still too much ice and slush on the trails, so I had to resort to pavement.  Today I remembered all the running I did over the last four holiday breaks.  2013: runs with my daughter in the park and not a care in the world – just absorbed all the energy.  Not sure of the mileage, but it was perhaps 80% that of the following two years.  2014: was in the midst of a wild, reckless ride leading to a hard fall just into the New Year.  What was going through my mind?  Well, the wild ride…but I also was searching for something – answers, questions, guidance, and I could not see or hear it until I fell.  I ran over 70 miles in 12 days, which is crazy as I normally run 100 miles in a month give or take.  Even when training for a half-marathon this fall, I was averaging about 30 - 35 miles a week.  You could say I was running away from something.  What?  Reality? Demons?  I recovered from the fall and 2015 turned into an amazing year.  Holiday break 2015: runs with my daughter and not a care in the world – just absorbed the energy.  Everything looked to be just fine <complacency?>  I felt like the Energizer Bunny.  67 miles in 11 days.  2016:  I’m back to how I felt in 2014 without the distraction of the wild ride.  I’m searching…seeking…wonder if I am running away from something…or toward it…or through it.  I am still able to absorb nature’s energy, which I badly need.  25.5 miles so far in 4 days; 5 more days to go.  One thing I do know – running has kept me level, balanced, and sane in my very busy life and my complex journey, especially since there were big changes in my life this year.  Seven more miles tomorrow and I will explore what scares me about the future…